Chris Rapier (rapier1) wrote,
Chris Rapier
rapier1

Where I've been

Astute observers may have noticed that my posting frequency has been significantly reduced for some months now. Some of you may have wondered about this - others of you already know why. In any case, for the sake of oversharing I thought it has come time to actually explain this prolonged absence.

On May 27 my wife of two years and companion of seven, Tricia, left me. Its a sordid tale the details of which are both tragic and utterly banal at the same time. I'll not be going into them here but will simply say that she had her reasons and, while I don't agree with them, I have no choice but to accept them. Over the past few months I've been trying to do just that. Shortly after this happened I came to realize that I don't have any control over what happens to me but I can control how I react to these events. As such, I made a conscious decision to not become "that guy". Who "that guy" was changed from hour to hour but the idea was that I wasn't going to let this destroy me. As much as I loved (and still love) my wife I had no choice but to learn to live without her. I wouldn't, and couldn't, let this wreck any more of my life than it already had. So I've spent the past few months focusing on maintaining my performance at work, spending more time with my friends, keeping my house together, and not letting the little things slip. Stupid things like making my bed everyday, keeping the clothes from piling up, making sure the cats were fed and the boxes cleaned, became focal points that helped me impose some structure on the shit storm that was swirling around me.

It has mostly worked. I'm not 'over' Tricia. I still miss her and I accept that I will for a very long time. She was an important part of my life and someone that I care about very much. I can't just turn off those feelings of love and affection like a light switch. In fact, I don't know if I ever want to turn them off. I want to reshape these feelings into something healthier and positive rather than let it become a festering wound. I've had enough of that in my life and I don't really need anymore.

I will say that I am still angry. Not to the point of being mean or vindictive and not to the point where it's ruling my life. Its just something that is there (albeit fading as time passes). While this was traumatic, Tricia didn't act with any sort of malicious intent. This is just what she felt she needed to do and I've always encouraged her to do what she thought was right for her. Bravo for life's little ironies. Anyway, I'm not generalizing what happened to anyone else either. I'm not going to be cynical about all women, people, or relationships because of what happened with one woman in one relationship. That's just a kind of crazy I don't want to subscribe to.

In the meantime I've been social, reconnecting with a lot of people, meeting new people and generally getting on with the whole process of living. It has had its up and downs. I have good days and bad days. Lately I've been having more good days than bad so I'm feeling alright about where I am. Its not where I ever thought I would be but I rarely end up there anyway.

I'll be here off and on. I do keep track of people on here, but I don't know how much motivation I'll have to use LJ more frequently than I have been.

Next week I'll be taking a short vacation in New Orleans to see The Dead Weather at the House of Blues. I'm looking forward to that. Beer, fried, music. What more could you really want?
Subscribe

  • Interesting

    I just got an invite to come back here. Normally I wouldn't have even thought about it but I like the person who invited me so why not take a look.…

  • Please to keep in mind

    Losing the supermajority is not a death knell to the idea of progress. In fact, the problem has long been that even having a supermajority doesn't…

  • Yeah yeah yeah

    It's been a long time. The past month has been, to say the least, a little hectic. There was a week in Atlanta, a week long trip to Philly, and a…

  • Post a new comment

    Error

    default userpic

    Your IP address will be recorded 

    When you submit the form an invisible reCAPTCHA check will be performed.
    You must follow the Privacy Policy and Google Terms of use.
  • 16 comments
Previous
← Ctrl ← Alt
Next
Ctrl → Alt →
Previous
← Ctrl ← Alt
Next
Ctrl → Alt →

  • Interesting

    I just got an invite to come back here. Normally I wouldn't have even thought about it but I like the person who invited me so why not take a look.…

  • Please to keep in mind

    Losing the supermajority is not a death knell to the idea of progress. In fact, the problem has long been that even having a supermajority doesn't…

  • Yeah yeah yeah

    It's been a long time. The past month has been, to say the least, a little hectic. There was a week in Atlanta, a week long trip to Philly, and a…